Please come back next week when I have done something.

Whew, that went by awfully fast for a three-day weekend. I took off work Friday, and we left for a driving trip to Memphis Thursday night after work. Since we got the late start, we only made it half-way that night, then got up Friday morning and drove the last several hours. Boy, nothing like a nice drive through scenic Arkansas to start a weekend! (Unfortunately there is no “sarcasm” font available, so you’ll just have to take it for granted.)

Upon our arrival in downtown Memphis, we immediately scanned the GPS for BBQ joints, and decided on Neely’s for our first visit. It was a pretty solid lunch; As with every other place we would try over the weekend, the ribs were good, the slaw was “different,” and the beans were nothing to write home about. After stuffing our bellies, we checked into a hotel downtown and handed the keys to the valet, marking the last time we would see the car for the weekend. We didn’t have any real plans, but our main destination was the Memphis In May BBQ competition, which was easily within walking distance from the hotel. After a quick nap, we headed that direction, via the famous Beale Street. I guess it’s famous anyway, they seemed pretty proud of it. Supposedly it is the second-most-visited street in the US after Bourbon Street; After spending considerable time there over the weekend I’d buy into that designation. We showed up at the ‘Que competition around 6:00, and spent the rest of the evening there just kind of walking around. It was a lot like the American Royal in that it was packed, had lots of deafeningly loud parties going on, and it would be better if you knew somebody in the competition. I still had a good time of it though, taking pictures and checking out all the booth setups, which were on average more elaborate than the ones at the Royal. A big thing there was to set up scaffolding to make a second party level, effectively doubling your booth space, while tripling the liability. Genius! Seemed to work well though, and I never did see anybody take a header off one of them. Anyway, we walked around for several hours checking it all out, wrapping up the evening with a concert by the world-renowned redneck band, The Kentucky Headhunters. Holy smokes, those guys are even uglier than I remember. Wow. They are just fascinatingly ugly. MESMERIZING ugly even. About the 150th “YEEEE HAW” we had to leave though. That was just into the third song, so we really didn’t make it too long. We had been walking so much we really needed to sit for a while, so we headed back to Beale street for a late dinner. The party was in full swing by that time, so we had a bit of trouble finding a place to eat, but we finally scored two open chairs at “The Pig.” These were my favorite ribs of the weekend incidentally. I’m not sure if they were really that good, or it was just that it was 1:00 in the morning and I was half-starved.

Saturday brought pretty much a repeat of Friday, we just got an earlier start of it. We headed down to the BBQ Competition around noon to check things out in the daylight. Without all the parties and noise going on, we talked to a lot more teams and kind of figured out what was going on. (Once we dropped the name “Triple Fat Back BBQ” we found them more than willing to chat with us.) The coolest thing (I thought) was the part where the judges walk around to each booth and taste the product. The teams all set fancy tables and then give a big spiel to the judge about their equipment, food, etc, then they sit down and eat. On the downside, I thought it kind of lame that the teams only enter one major category; Whole hog, ribs, or shoulder. It was fun checking out all the smokers and stuff though; Again, pretty much like a mini-Royal. My favorite line of the day came from one old guy, who we asked how his smoker towed. It was about a 20′ long trailer, and they had made the ill-advised decision to set their enormous rig on the very back end of it. He summed it up with his annoying drawl, “Well, you get ‘er much over 40 mph and she starts shakin’ like an 18-year-old in a topless bar.” Nice. For lunch we went with Corky’s ribs. They were pretty solid, although they likely suffered a bit from the re-heating. (We were at their booth down at the competition, not at the actual restaurant.) After spending the entire afternoon down there, we decided to check out the local minor-league baseball team, the Memphis Redbirds. The stadium was right across from our hotel and we like checking out ballparks, so we figured what the heck. We bought the cheapest tickets in the park, which put us in the grass out in left field. Being way too old to sit on the ground for long, we only made it a few innings, then we headed to Rendezvous restaurant for one last slab of ribs. Donette voted these her favorite, and they were indeed a fine rack o’ bones.

Yesterday we didn’t do anything but drive. Including lunch at beautiful Mountain Grove MO, the trip took us seven hours. Do the math on that one and it turns out the good ol’ Accord got a workout.

Man will it EVER warm up out there?  We were supposed to go the Royals game yesterday but it was so marginal out we bailed on that plan.  I’m getting tired of sitting outside trying to convince myself I’m having fun when it’s 50 degrees and windy.  Screw it, I’m just going to stay inside for the rest of my life.

We kicked off the weekend pretty strong on Friday, going down the Power & Light District to celebrate K.B.’s 45th birthday.  I like going to those, makes me feel young.  That place is really taking off, it was packed everywhere;  Most places even had a line to get in.  We started things off at the “PBR Big Sky,” which proved “interesting.”  In what would be the theme for the evening, it started out tolerable and then the music got so loud (and bad) that it drove us out.  We ended up moving over to the bowling alley for a little peace and quiet.  This bowling alley had a slightly different format than the ones I’ve been to though;  After we’d been there a few hours it had mysteriously shifted from “bowling alley” to “hip-hop club.”  Time for Phil & Donette to go home.  On our way to catch the bus though, we ran into the neighbor girls, who talked us into stopping by the newly-opened Flying Saucer.  That was one of our favorite places when we lived in Fort Worth, so it really wasn’t very hard to convince us to check it out.  We ended up staying there approximately “way too long.”  We finally left at some unreasonable hour, and found out that we’d missed the last bus home by about an hour…  Whoops!  I knew I hated public transportation for a reason.  So, we split a cab with the girls, which worked out fine.  (They stopped by the Plaza on the way home to keep the night going though… Crazy kids.)

Saturday morning I rather grudgingly drug myself out of bed and headed north to Platte City, to judge my very first BBQ competition.  I wasn’t very sold on the idea at first;  It was cold and rainy, and I stayed out way too late Friday night.  But, I’d signed up for it so I figured I better show.  It turned out to be a good time though, and I got to eat a lot of good BBQ.  (And a little bit of not-so-good too.)  It was a lot easier, and cheaper, than cooking in the competitions, that’s for sure.  I hung around and talked to some guys about a new cooker too, but didn’t pull the trigger just yet.  I’ve been sorta eying a new rig for a while, if for no reason other than I’ve had mine for over 15 years.  Anyway, these guys were cooking on a few models from American BBQ in Olathe, and they looked like pretty solid units.  I’ll wait and see how they did in the competition.  At the end of the day though, I don’t have near enough coin to get a new one anyway, so it’s kinda a moot point.  That event took up most of the afternoon;  I finally got home around 3:00 to find Donette still in bed.  Sheesh.  I carefully rousted her, and we went out in search of a place to watch the Royals game.  Never did find it on TV, so we just hung out at Tanner’s for a while and headed back home.  We opened the front door to find Gabe had escaped his kennel and was tearing around the house like the 85 lb. moose that he is.  He has somehow figured out how to open the latches, and has been escaping more often than not lately.  We can’t figure it out either;  Best guess is he has developed retractable thumbs and folds them out when we’re not around.  Oh well, so far he hasn’t torn anything up, knock on wood.  He just sorta moves things around…  You might find your shoes in different rooms, and a hat laying in the middle of the back yard, that kind of stuff.  Weird dog.

Sunday, as briefly mentioned, we intended to go to the Royals game, but decided against it.  Instead, we went and bought some brisket and chicken and fired up the smoker.  Slightly disheartened by my mediocre finish at the St. Joe competition, I’ve begun my quest to improve the product.  I made a few key changes, which I thought resulted in a slight improvement.  Still need a few more tweaks though, although I haven’t figured out exactly what.  Donette’s first try at chicken turned out well too.  I even stirred up a pot of BBQ gumbo with all the leftovers I’d brought home from Platte City.  Faced with four lbs. of beef, eight pieces of chicken, and a few gallons of gumbo, we called up the neighbors, who luckily came over and helped us at least put a dent in the spread.  The freezer is getting a little stuffed with leftovers though.

This should be an official work holiday, if only because I need one. We’re not really celebrating anyway though, except for a small party at the neighbor girls house tomorrow. But then that’s not really a “Cinco de Mayo” party if it’s tomorrow, now is it.

My weekend was entirely consumed by the first BBQ competition of the year for the Triple Fat Back team. We headed way north to scenic St. Joseph MO, to participate in the second annual Apple Blossom BBQ. To tell you the truth, I am still a little out of sorts by the lack of sleep and bad weather, so I will likely be brief in my summary. Martin and I headed up there Friday afternoon, and met up with Zim and Chad who had already laid down the “base camp.” From there, well, we did BBQ stuff. It also marked the first appearance of our new “Gold Level Sponsor,” Weston Brewing Company. They were nice enough to provide us with several kegs of beer to give away to all the hordes of visitors wandering around the festival. Only one problem… It was about 35 degrees and rainy, so nobody showed up. Not just at our booth, at the whole festival. I’d say the whole thing was probably a bust for the city, but we had our fun. (That is, if you call sitting in a lawn chair half-frozen for 12 hours “fun.”)

Oh, come on now, surely there are more details to delve into from nine guys getting together and partying all night? None that you’d want to hear about, no. Kevin brought some new “swag” for the group, including new TFB tee-shirts, trucker hats, and notebooks. He even brought a monogrammed chef’s jacket for the newest honorary Fat Back, Cubby. (We couldn’t get him to put it on though.) As far as results, we performed to our standard satisfactory level, with the exception of Bob & Joe, who turned in another astonishing 3rd place finish in pork. I’d say after the last few competitions, they seem to have their recipe honed to perfection. As for me, well, I guess I can say I’ve achieved consistency if nothing else. Unfortunately, while Team Pork has reached consistent top three product, the brisket has just managed to reach consistent mediocrity. Not good, not bad, right smack in the middle every time. So, something has to change, hopefully for the better. I have several tweaks in mind, ranging from subtle to shocking. No longer will I be able to contribute to any of the housework or otherwise be a participant in society; I must focus solely on brisket improvement. At this point I plan to keep my employment, but only because I need to fund more briskets. Practice makes ribbons, people.

That sort of wraps up the weekend. Donette was in St. Louis visiting her sister all weekend, and Gabe stayed up north with Ronda while I slaved away in St. Joe. I picked him up late Saturday afternoon, went home, and wiped out on the couch until this morning. Them BBQ’s is hard on an old man.

Wow, why is it still so cold out?  This doesn’t bode well for our upcoming BBQ contest next weekend.  We struggle enough without fighting challenging weather conditions.  It was a mighty crisp ride to work on the motorcycle this morning too;  Those mornings should be over by now.

I’m a little lacking on material from this past weekend, so I’ll jump back to Thursday night.  One thing we did do a lot of over the weekend was eat, and it started Thursday with a trip to the new Maker’s Mark restaurant in the Power & Light district.  I’m on their mailing list for some reason or another, and a few weeks ago, I got an email inviting me to come down for a “preview.”  That’s really all it said, but I figured “what the heck” and we went down to check it out.  The gamble paid off nicely:  They put out all you could eat and drink for a couple of hours, all free.  SWEET!! They put out some serious grub too;  Sushi, oysters, shrimp, lamb chops, steaks…  Heck I can’t even remember what all we tried.  We both got stuffed, I know that.  We even met Bill Samuels Jr, who has been the CEO of Maker’s Mark since 1975.  We had a nice little chat…  I can’t believe he hasn’t called me to get together yet though.  Well, now we can say we’ve been there at least.  From a glance at the prices on the menu, it might be our last trip…

Friday evening our free meal ticket continued, with the volunteer appreciation dinner for the American Royal.  Donette volunteered last year during the BBQ competition, putting in several hours of back-breaking manual labor, so they put on this nice banquet for a “thank you.”  We joined several elderly ladies at a table, one of whom kept insisting she knew me from somewhere.  We never figured it out though, after running through every single place I’d ever been in my life.  Anyway, not a bad dinner, despite not quite living up to the fare from the evening before.  There was a monotonous presentation-thing going on in the background the whole time though, which cut into my dining enjoyment somewhat.  But, the price was right and we really didn’t have anything better to do, so it passed the evening.  Incidentally, I woke up in a cold sweat around 3:00 A.M. with a clear recollection of who the lady at the table was;  She was the mean old woman that gave me a beat-down on the tennis court a few years ago.  She was just lucky I didn’t recognize her at the dinner, ’cause it would have been go-time.  She didn’t look nearly as imposing without the tennis racket in her hand, I almost surely could have taken her.

Saturday, Martin & Brice came over for a final practice-run on the smoker before our competition in St. Joe next weekend.  It turned out to be a relatively decent day weather-wise…  We can only hope it will be at least that nice next weekend.  In a new twist on the practice technique, this time I set about documenting the entire process of my brisket in pictures.  Something new to put on the website if nothing else, I figured.  So, all morning I painstakingly photographed every step, from taking the brisket out of the ‘fridge, to trimming it, seasoning it, lighting the smoker, etc.   Somewhere along the way though, I realized that I had inexplicably been hitting the on/off button on the camera all morning instead of the “picture” button.  Wow.  It was early, but not THAT early.  Yeah, can’t really explain that foul-up, but I have no pictures at any rate.  Anyway, that pretty much took up the entire day, and everything came out “OK.”  Got a few more tweaks for the Big Show, but not much.  Martin did a few slabs of babybacks, which were top notch with the exception of some gummy sauce he poured all over them.  My brisket was serviceable, if a bit dry.  Donette even cooked some good chicken wings while the fire was going.

Sunday didn’t bring much excitement.  We stayed up late Saturday (as far as our definition of late anyway) and I guess we were worn out.  We got the yard mowed, played a few dozen games of Sudoku, watched the Royals game, went to lunch at Jalapenos…  And that’s about all I can think of.  We were supposed to cook hamburgers for dinner, but really didn’t feel like it so we saved that for tonight.  What’s so special about cooking hamburgers?  Well, I have decided to go on a quest to cook a premium hamburger at home.  And so, tonight this monumental task gets underway, starting with the grinding of the chuck roast.  Ohhhh, I’m excited.